I hate myself so much at the moment.
The first thing I want to say though is just how sorry I am for all of this. I’m so, so sorry.
But, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so low or so absolutely awful.
And it’s because I find myself in a situation where yet again there isn’t a single thing I can do. And it feels like it’s cost me the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
I abandoned you; you were isolated; alone, and you needed me. And I wasn’t there. But I had no idea about it all, no idea about what was happening to you. it was only until a few minutes ago that I had any clue at all. And it seems almost ridiculous that the reason for that, and the reason for all of this upset, is down to the fact that my phone isn’t working properly. Every text you sent me has only just reached my phone, and you say that you called me but my phone hasn’t done a thing all day.
And I detest the fact that there is nothing that I could have done to have ever stopped this from happening; my phone ceasing to work properly could have happened on any other day, maybe a day we’re in college, or when we’re together and it wouldn’t have caused any problem whatsoever. One of the only times my phone was a necessity and it couldn’t be used.
I didn’t have any idea about how bad things were, about how upset you were and what was going on, so how I was I supposed to do anything?
I feel so awful and the guilt and the sadness is just far too much for me to handle right now; rather ironically, I need you. But you have no idea about it, but I suppose this is karma. This happened to you, and now the exact same thing is happening to me, but I deserve it anyway after letting you down so much, and making you so upset and angry.
I’m so, so sorry and I love you more than you will ever know. But I have a feeling that that’s not good enough. And that thought frightens me more than anything.
